I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
