I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize