When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
