So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
no you cant smoke seaweed
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
