I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
