hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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