Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
