Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
