Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh god it's open bar.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
