My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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