Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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