did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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