I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
