so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
