Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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