everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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