You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
