on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
