I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
