i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So here I am, sexting at work.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
