did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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