I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
