I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
