I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize