New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Say something about gay babies.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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