I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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