Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
