I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
