Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
