I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
