I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
