i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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