She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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