two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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