And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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