how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
