my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
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There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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