Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
