Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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