I look better un-naked...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
