Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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