When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
