We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Blood and glitter go together right?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
