ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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