I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
