Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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