Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
