Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
