70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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