are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
