I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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