I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
