Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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