i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
