As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
