On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
