Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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