ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
