you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
