Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
