And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
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Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.