someone threw a dead crab at me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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