someone threw a dead crab at me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
