Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
