his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
