Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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