I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
