Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
